Retrospection
I once knew a lady who felt everything.
I’m not sure what her deal was but she seemed to feel so much, that she ended up needing a lot; a lot of love, a lot of attention, acknowledgment, security, acceptance, in order for her to be happy. It was as though attention, love and acknowledgment was fuel to all that feeling.
Her appetite for attention and love was quietly voracious and you’d never peg her for someone who needed because she was beautiful and intelligent and seemed to be the kind of gal both men and women would go bananas for. Of course, even the most beautiful people in the world are flawed in some ways. But I’d never imagined her to be flawed in this manner (I’d expected her to be a slob or perhaps be bad in bed), and that the flaws would run so deep.
That she did not keep these feelings secret was not as odd to me (even though where I come from, people just don’t share these things with the general public) as her insatiable hunger for the attention or acknowledgment or sympathy that her sharing generated. I wasn’t sure if that was all part of the therapy. If it was, it wasn’t working because unless a hundred people or so were responding, saying she looked good or sympathising with her situation or telling her that whatever horrible thing she did was okay because she’d come right out and admitted it, it didn’t seem to have any sort of curative impact. All it did was create more need, more hunger, and hence, more gloom and sadness and self-pity.
I wondered if anyone ever told her that she was still too young, or that there were other things in the world more worthy of the kind of attention she demanded. If anyone did, did she simply wave them away, telling them in her mind that she wasn’t like anyone else, that she was unique and hence her problems were special and deserved all that attention? Did she think that these people were incapable of empathy, choosing to believe that they didn’t care or were trying to trivialize her suffering? Did it anger her that they compared her problems to that of people in Somalia or Zimbabwe, who didn’t suffer from depression (in the American sense) because they had real, survival problems, as opposed to her navel-gazing nonsense?
People often accuse Asians, particularly the Chinese or perhaps the Japanese, as being unfeeling or that we don’t really place a lot of stock on all that emotional mumbo-jumbo. I always claim that the Vulcans are modeled after us in their ability to control their emotions – and that’s just what it is. We do feel but we just keep it checked. Why do you think our serial dramas and movies are so over the top?
And it’s not just about ‘face’. It’s also about not wanting other people to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. It’s about respect for others, for your family and most importantly, for yourself.
There is nothing in the world that’s so bad you need to broadcast it to the whole world – unless you want the whole world to mourn with you. Nobody needs that kind of attention.
You may want it, but you do not need it.
Tracey
Well said.
May 02, 2008 @ 5:30 am
Dawn
I am reading a biography of Anne Sexton right now (re-reading it, actually), and the woman you’ve described sounds a lot like Anne, who was a brilliant poet. She was also mentally ill and required all kinds of assistance to live her life– drugs, alcohol, sex, therapy and even institutionalization. She won the Pulitzer prize, earned all kinds of honors and attention, and everybody took care of her. But she ended up killing herself in mid-life anyway. Maybe wants are sometimes needs… or maybe the wants we turn into needs end up harming us. Interesting post.
May 02, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
jennemede
Tracey – hey you! Believe it or not, there are quite a few people like this just walkin’ around.
Dawn – very interesting. I have a theory, and I know it seems cruel but I would love to round up all these people up and take them to a third-world country and let them see what real suffering is like.
Then again, they will manage to make this pain their own (like how the trauma of such suffering – versus the suffering itself – is sometimes worse than the real thing). They will always feel LIKE a victim even though they really are not. Empathy for empathy’s sake, when taken to extremes, is dangerous.
This is very alarming to me – and I think, an ultimately useless response to everyone else but the “victim”. And I think the more “help” they get (or the help the medical/psychiatry community can offer today), the worse it becomes because in some twisted way, it enables them. Therapy ENABLES them. How the heck do you solve it? Like Munchausen’s, you know? You just throw the patient back on the streets because he’s faking it for the attention. But how the heck do you solve a psychiatric version of Munchausen’s?
It’s a variation of Munchausen’s-cum-martyr-cum-victim complex. How the heck do you deal with it?
May 02, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
janya
jenn,
i love this post. i’m glad you wrote it. now i’m going to read it again.
janya
Thanks Janya. Wish I had more of these “epiphanies”. hehe
May 04, 2008 @ 12:50 pm
Mariano
I once knew a lady who felt everything…
and that was the purest lady that i ever met.
I’m also the kind of guy who needs a lot of love.
I’m proud of that…
because love is the most beautiful need in the world.
I once knew a lady who felt a lot of love…
and she was thankful… she was so happy…
It’s seemed like if she didnt need anything else.
I think that the comparison with Somalia or Zimbabwe
is just stupid…
Because with that line of thought…
you cant be sad… ever..
Because you have something to eat.. You have a bed, a house..
so.. you’re saying that a person cant be sad or depressed.. EVER..
I think that this isnt an intelligent post.
Thank you..
Yes, you can be sad but you can’t be sad ALL the time FOR yourself when you consider the sorrow of others. Not normally, anyway. Everything is relative, and you are in control of your need. You don’t have to believe me, just stick around long enough.
May 06, 2008 @ 4:37 pm
anonymous
Dead on accuracy without malice, just straightforward honesty. You pegged her.
I dunno who “her” is but as of this moment, I know at least THREE people like that in the last 35 yrs, two of whom I’ve not seen in a while. I don’t know what to do about the third, really. I wish I could help her but do not know how to do so without enabling her, and yet not appear as being cruel. The best thing I think is to just hope there’s help out there but I’m definitely not it.
May 06, 2008 @ 6:24 pm
The I’mPerfect Mom » Blog Archive » An example of what truly deserves attention
[...] Somalia or Zimbabwe may be too much of a [...]
May 07, 2008 @ 1:24 pm