Mean girls
Along with the rest of connected America, I was swept away by the shock of what happened to the Victoria Lindsay, the 16-year old cheerleader (although she claims to be 18 on her Myspace) who was beaten up by six other girls, an event which was videoed for the intention of web release.
Like every mother of every little girl out there, I shed a few superficial tears, imagining how I would react if my daughter was the one who’d been beaten up. And then I imagined how I would react if my daughter was the one doing the beating up.
I must say that I never would’ve had to think about such things if we were back home. Then again, we would’ve had other things to think about.
About a week ago, Raeven had a brief encounter with a female bully at the playground. The girl had “terrorised” Raeven with some aggressive words and gestures into leaving a part of the play structure she’d been playing with. Raeven simply ran away. The girl followed her for a while but Rae avoided her until she was left alone. And through all this, I’d played the role of the neutral (albeit nervous) parent, allowing Rae to go through all the steps of the non-confrontational Anti-Bully Action Plan we had in place.
- Use words like “Stop” and “No.
- Walk away if he/she does not stop.
- Get a grown-up if he/she follows you.
While Victoria Lindsay is hardly a kid anymore, I could not help but notice that she’d employed the same exact “action plan”. She did not retaliate and tried to walk away.
What happens when you’re cornered by more than one bully?
What about six? Eight?
“That’s why our girls need to learn self defense,” quips Lokes. Really? How the heck does one defend oneself against eight aggressors (when one is not Steven Seagal)?
Coincidentally, I’d just finished reading Jodi Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes, a story about a lifetime of bullying that culminated into a school massacre. I remember making a mental note to put the title into the “must-read” list for the girls when they get older.
When one raises sons, one fully expects broken ribs, fat lips and black eyes somewhat regularly. In some cultures, it’s even considered a rite of passage to be bullied and beaten up once in one’s lifetime. If Victoria Lindsay was a jock, what happened to her would’ve been pretty standard locker-room (and not New York Times) fare. For daughters? Not so much.
It is such a scary world out there, a world filled with people who do not play by the same rules. What then?
Technorati Tags: Victoria Lindsay, bullying, Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
Posted in Imperfect World
April 12th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Oh my gawd - they’re gorgeous!!
You + sewing machine?!!? I had no idea?!?!
April 12th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I must be the only mom on the Internet who hadn’t heard about this case.
It’s horrific.
I’m left with the feeling that adolescents are not mixing well with social media, and their parents have abdicated any governance and responsibility in that arena.
It makes me think I need to climb out of this information fog and teach my child empathy, basic human decency, and the responsibilities/consequences of making comments in any public arena. Such knowledge may make him less of a target for such insane, unjustifiable violence.
As much as I want to raise tough kids (having been a tough kid myself), the hardest part for me to swallow is that you cannot control everything. All you can do is hope you’ve raised someone who has the emotional resilience to bounce back. I would rather them have that than a stubborn must-win streak.
April 12th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
i think you think of the world in pink and blue, and this will cause problems for you down the road as a parent. physical contact is a part of life—both good and bad. and in this day, boys and girls BOTH play sports, dance, and, in short, society accepts physical expression in general. so yes, your daughter is going to come into “contact” with it… at some point, whether it be from a girl bully or a boy bully in middle school or high school—OR from an abusive partner.
please, please, please teach her to defend herself, to stand up for herself, and to NOT always back down. don’t raise a doormat. she’s not living in a pink world. this is not 1812.
“it’s not ever okay to start a fight—but sometimes it’s necessary to finish one,” said my dad.
I think you need to have kids before you pass off advice such as this because different kids need different methods of handling different social situations at different stages. Avoiding a fight does not make you a doormat at five years old.
April 12th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
I understand the point you’re making though your last commenter didn’t - though I met a couple of female bullies growing up. One of them is now a good friend!
But a gang of girls beating you up for YouTube? That is not something you usually involve in your ’situations to prepare your girls for’. Though some like to believe sexual differentiation is imposed by a patriarchal society, there are still societal/cultural differences that need to be acknowledged.
I remember when I was a teen, there were SO many times I’d almost gotten in a fight. It was really odd because we were the brainiacs, and the other “gang” was a group of girls from the other end of the spectrum, and I swear, both groups were probably just more bark than bite but the anticipation was real. I can still remember the adrenaline rush of actually being in a brawl over - haha - territory (we were fighting over who owned the decrept old tennis court?!). So silly i know.
Anyway, the brawl never materialised. All we ever did was exchange insults, never crossing the line to actually laying a hand on someone. Ah, good times.
April 13th, 2008 at 6:33 am
It just kills me that this attack was fueled by stupid, mean comments made on MySpace by the victim.
The hive thinking of the attacking girls is truly harrowing to see in action (I just came across portions of the video). It’s amazing that 6 out of 6 girls present (and 2 boys standing guard) all judged this to be appropriate action. If one person in that group had said enough and tried to help the victim, the attack probably would have ended much sooner.
How does someone stand by such an unfair fight?
One of my early memories is riding with my dad and brother in rural Texas. My dad slowed down as we passed this group of men gathered alongside a country road. He parked the truck, told us to lock the doors (I was 4 and my brother was 6). He grabbed the truck’s tire iron and walked back toward the group yelling, “Hey- break it up. That’s enough.”
As the men scattered from their energetic cluster, I saw a single man lying on the ground. My 4 year-old mind couldn’t grasp what was going on.
My dad said something to the extent that he didn’t know what they were fighting about, but he couldn’t stand by an unfair fight. He helped the victim leave the scene and the other men (who far outnumbered Dad and the victim) just stood by looking (as I would later come to realize) deeply ashamed.
Years later, I watched my teenage brother wade into a locker room full of malevolent thugs to protect and assist a lone kid from being humiliated and injured.
We are stubborn people who would rather join the injured than stand safe (and complicit) with the attackers.
My husband’s family has similar stories. Our families emphasized justice, honor, and courage. Insults of other people were not tolerated as our families set high standards for interpersonal interaction. Though MySpace wasn’t available in my youth, I know that my mom would have MADE ME APOLOGIZE for any mean comments she might hear me make.
The practice of social media being unchecked for teens creates a Lord of the Flies mindset in the very people who need the most social training.
You are so right, Adrienne. I am more worried about my kids turning into bullies than becoming victims.
April 13th, 2008 at 10:52 am
i did not say that she was at the age of FIVE. but you ought to understand that as she gets older, she is going to be confronted by bullies. we don’t live in the 1950s anymore:
“When one raises sons, one expects… When one raises daughters, not so much.”
That shows a bit of naivete, and I’m saying that you have to teach her—at SOME POINT, maybe at 8 or 9—to defend herself physicially. Take it from a girl who has been in the playgrounds a bit more recently. Girls are mean, girls hits, girls bully. Gossip, rumors, talking behind someone’s back are all things of the past.
You don’t ever want her to feel so helpless and so scared because she doesn’t know what to do.
You are inferring a lot from one paragraph, lady.
There is a huge diff between being helpless and being non-confrontational, and between not knowing what to do and doing nothing to diffuse a situation. Perhaps when you’re a parent you will better understand the concept of “picking your battles”. Perhaps you will look me up then and we can have this conversation.
On a different but related topic, ask yourself this: Would the Victoria Lindsay story make such headlines if she was a he, and all her assailants teenage boys? Eradicating gender bias is well and good but even in the 21st century (my 50s housewife reference was a joke - if you know me at all, you’ll know that I’m as 50s housewife as Sharon Osbourne), look at what a big deal it still is in the current presidential race. The truth is WANTING to be gender blind does not automatically make it a fact.
Also FYI, I was a victim of a 5-year abusive relationship and being a doormat had NOTHING to do with why it took five years for me to leave. But that’s another story.
April 13th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Victoria Lindsay obviously did not know what to do, or she would not have sustained permanent damage to her ears and eyes. She clearly didn’t know to push off her attacker (with her feet, from that couch), grab a lamp and smash the bottom or a broom or any sort of solid object, and then BRANDISH and YELL so they knew she meant to get out of there, and she would use whatever she has a weapon to defend herself against such odds.
Regardless of whether it makes headlines, what difference does that make? None, to me. That’s my argument. People shouldn’t act like this is a new thing for girls to get into fights. But then, at the public school I went to, even 8ish years ago, there were far more girl fights than boy fights. Over stupid crap, like guys. Oh, and there was the occasional guy slugging a girl. A girl on my basketball team got her eye busted by a guy at school.
Hmm, I would agree in some cases with that, about needing to have children. But this is an issue that is very close to my family and very close to me, and I will never sit and agree that the mentality we want to instill in our children, who will grow up to populate our society, is to find someone else to solve their problems for them. Kids, like everyone else, should learn to protect themselves, physically and otherwise, in preparation to become responsible adults.
It’s not only the physical part I’m arguing for. Being able to and willing to stand up for yourself (physically) gives girls more confidence and self-esteem going into the real world.
Look at it this way: My little girl was taught to first use her words and then walk away. She DID say no and she DID say stop and when all else failed, she walked away from a much bigger girl. My daughter didn’t run to me crying for help. And I didn’t run to her trying to fight her fight for her. For a five-year old - and a 35-year old - I think that’s pretty darn confident.