Random question: Is cheating part of evolution?
Would you take your partner back if he or she cheated on you?
Would you be able to go past the betrayal?
Is moving past the betrayal the only sign of maturity, of enlightenment, of true love?
Is resisting the impulse never to do anything wrong despite one’s lifeless life a rejection of one’s humanity?
I just finished reading Sue Monk Kidd’s The Mermaid Chair about a woman named Jessie in her 40s who takes the journey back to her island hometown to the aid of her mother who seems to be losing her mind, which she has been slowly since after her husband’s death 30 years ago. In her return, Jessie finds that she herself is on a similar journey and perhaps in retaliation, has an affair with a monk despite being married to an attentive, loving husband.
I found myself a little skeptical about the whole thing, because in my world, not many husbands or wives, no matter how open-minded or enlightened they claim to be, can accept an affair. It just takes a really long time to reconcile the betrayal, to reconcile the cognitive dissonance in our heads late at night when we are alone with our thoughts because:
We fight with the knowledge that your spouse has had sex with another person.
We fight with the claim that this person can say he or she loves you, and yet loves someone else.
We fight with the realisation that this person may not love you anymore but has chosen to stick with you all this time because of your kids.
We fight with the realisation that this person has grown bored of you just because you’ve been together so long.
We fight with our own feelings of love and loyalty for this person.
How do we be mature and reconcile the act with the person? That this person you love and respect and think is so smart, can be capable of doing something so hurtful and stupid and…weak? That you could have been so blind as not to see this coming?
How do you then move on despite all these battles, to emerge through the surface, hurt but still alive, stronger, more forgiving and still loving? And know that you’re not doing this because you’re afraid of change, that you’re not still clinging on to something so futile that only YOU can see the worth in it?
Isn’t it odd how Western (and exceedingly Westernised) civilisation(s) cling(s) on to and guard(s) monogamy so religiously (pardon the pun) when polygamy has been around so much longer? And yet, more and more people have affairs (it seems to be so) today, and are unable to stay with one partner in his/her lifetime.
Is this evolution? Are animals that mate for life becoming extinct?
And will we be considered more highly evolved if we learn to forgive and accept that emotional, sexual betrayal is just part of life? To be able to move past the hurt and anger, to say to this person who has hurt us, "I forgive you because what you’re doing is normal. It’s just part of growing old"?
If this is so, I have a long way to go.
Posted in Imperfect Reads
December 12th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
But one thing I noticed though, among the people I know, or perhaps myself, it maybe easier to forgive, but never forgets.
December 12th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
I’m trying to write up a short paper on jealousy for one of my classes right this moment, so your post is timely.
Honestly, I have a lot of trouble relating to a lot of what you say, because I’m in a committed, open relationship. It’s hard for me to understand the big deal when I’m busy being enthused that my wife has a fresh crush and needs to get kicked out the door for a date.
I don’t think that makes me a better person for it, or that we’re more evolved or more in touch with our human urges, it’s just how we do it. Most people can’t and shouldn’t do poly or open relationships, they’re hard and exhausting and require exotic and specialized skills — one person is hard enough.
I think the difference is that, for us, love and sex exist on separate planets, and it’s a little bit unnatural to divorce them that way. When sex becomes recreational, like bowling but with less beer and more sweating, I think you begin to think differently about your committed relationship.
So, how would I deal with my girl cheating? It’s almost impossible for her to do, so I have no idea.
Thanks for letting me flex my deep thoughts on you blog, btw.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:29 am
Mer, then can there be ‘real’ (which is more ‘real’ than ‘true’?) love without sex? Not just the kind of love that takes you to the end of the road (life-wise) but also the kind of sacrificial love that would make you give up sex entirely with anyone?
I imagine you’d have to love your wife enough to have a commited open rship with her. Similarly, do you think this is the kind of love that can make you give up sex entirely if say, the person you love hypothetically (knock on wood) isn’t able to have sex anymore for health reasons?
And if that is the case, what is the difference between an open, committed rship and a completely mutually celibate committed rship (there is a word for it I think - friendship? ;)?
December 13th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Hmm… I do think there can be true love without sex, but it’s not easy. We’re human, we’re a blend of corporeal and incorporeal (body and mind or spirit) and experiencing stuff just physically or just intellectually is a little bit unnatural, I think. People do it all the time, of course, and some people can live fully in one mode or the other, but I think they’re what’s known as “saints”. As far as I can tell, “true love” is a whole being thing, and includes both spiritual devotion and rubbing naughty bits together to really kick in.
As for not having sex with the one I love… there’s a reason I refer to her as my wife. For all practical purposes, we’re married, so how much sex do you think we have? With each other?
So, the difference? Well, I’ve known my primary squeeze for about as long as I’ve known my bestest friend, and I love them both profoundly, and I can’t imagine not having either of them around. The difference is that my friend kate is a wonderful addition to my life, while my wife dani makes my life and every day that I live better than it ever could have been without her.
And besides, I dated kate for a little while. Dani and I are *way* more sexually compatible. *grins*
December 18th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
interesting question the first line…
i think my answer is a straight NO!…but….the answer would probably be different when i have children though…..
December 26th, 2007 at 2:35 am
Many times we tell ourselves that we will never EVER reconcile with our other half if they cheat on us. But when THAT really happen, we find ourselves accepting them.
We learn (in a very hard way) to forgive, and then we learn (to try) to forgive.
And whether or not we eventually forgive them is actually another matter. What we have learned throughout the journey of finding ourselves and learning to forgive and forget are all that matter.
Says who love is simple in the first place?
Indeed, it is not.