Fight or flight?
A while ago, I wrote a post called Entitlement, about ’survival apathy’.
As a child born just four years after the 1969 Sino-Malay riots, I was raised, as many other Chinese children were in the predominantly Chinese town of Ipoh, with more or less the same survival plan: Study hard, save money, turn a blind eye to all the injustices that were happening, mind our ‘own business’ (whatever that was) and bide our time. For what?
For the first chance to pack our bags and leave.
I’m sad to say that it took me over 30 years to realise the full impact of such an upbringing. Because when you come into this world with the mindset that you’re going to leave anyway, chances are you won’t really give a damn about what happens in between. I won’t go into the religious undertone of what I’ve just said but I will make this assertion: someone who believes in reincarnation is more likely to treat the planet and people more respectfully because s/he doesn’t want to come back to a wasted land full of assholes.
As I look at my own kids, Malaysians who are growing up more American by the day, I am filled with a kind of guilt that is hard to shake off. On one hand, I know that they will grow up in a ‘fairer’ society with relatively more equal opportunities. On another, they will never have the chance to decide for themselves if they want to stay and fight, or fly.
Should we as parents be blamed for planning ahead, for believing that nothing can change in our lifetimes or theirs?
Should we have stayed and in turn, teach our children that some things, no matter how risky, are worth fighting for?
Am I to be blamed for leaving when I was raised, virtually packed and ready to go at the first sign of trouble?
After all, my grandparents left China for the then-Malaya for a better life.
Are most of us born with the flight gene in the end?
If I were single, child-less, would I still leave? Or would I have been out there, in my yellow Bersih t-shirt, shouting my voice hoarse for free and fair elections, throwing my mom into a fit over how irresponsible I am being to my unborn children?
“Perhaps we will care when we’re citizens of a country worth fighting for,” says Lokes, as we drive leisurely through an upmarket residential area in Redmond, with houses crossing easily the RM2mil mark, sipping our eggnog lattes.
“We are,” I answer quietly.
Tell me, Malaysian parents still in Malaysia - how are you raising your children?
Are you breeding fighters or flighters? What happens when we run out of places to which we can run?
Posted in Imperfect Malaysia
November 18th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Trying to do both. Be proud of your country and stand up for what you believe in.
we have a country worth fighting for (peacefully)..
November 18th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Me too is trying to do both. I am classified under the “majority” in Malaysia (where I am from), and fall under the “minority” in Singapore (where my husband is from). I hate to use the terms “majority” and “minority” here, and hate to think about the majority-minority issues that’s happening in my home country. But again, if we reverse the situation (i.e the minority becomes the majority and vice-versa), will we not have the same majority-minority issues?
Just like how I am proud of my parents/family, I am proud of my country because that’s my origin. So Jenn, stick to what you believe in. It does not matter whether you fight or you flight at this point. I am sure Rae and Skyler will be proud of you and Lokes anyway, for giving them the opportunity to be at a place where they can happily call home, and guide them in learning all the life lessons.
-Izz
(ps: I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I believe in good/bad deeds will be paid accordingly by God…
November 18th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Hi Jen,
You’ve touched such a raw nerve - ouch! I’m guilty for wanting to run. To run to a better place, not just for my kids but also myself.
At the same time, I’m feeling guilty for lacking the courage to make my voice heard. And sometimes, because of where I work, I can’t have my voice heard.
Currently I’m working on the notion that if I can be hardworking enough, smart enough - to make lots of money that I can use to make things happen.
(Let me tell you: I am so far from being a moneyed campaign contributor, that it isn’t funny.)
So I strive and do the best I know how. Like most people I know.
November 19th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Hi Jen,
Love your blogs. I am one of those runaway Malaysians that grew up not having an entitlement. I remember growing up in Ipoh, angry, hollow and not having any “entitlement.” My step mom always gave the best to my step brothers, I did all the chores, never have enough pocket money or pretty clothes. I guess my biggest break is when I was selected to be an SIA stewardess. ( Although all my step mom’s family always told me I was never pretty, slim or tall enough) To cut it short, I knew from very young, I will need to save $$$ and find a way to get my out my ” situation.” After 5 years with SIA, I put myself through college and living the American Dream. I am living the kind of life, that I once used to believe that I am not entitled to. I have learnt to let go of most of my anger….because I am now an adult and have control over my life. I am no longer controlled by my step mom and her family. I choose when I want to deal with them. I do feel the pain that my kids are not growing up knowing what having grandparents are like — but I try my best to mingle with lots of S’porean and M’sians to let them learn mom’s country and culture. I do miss Malaysia, the culture and people….but I know, I will always be the 2nd class citizen. So…small price to pay in order to live the American Dreams.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:16 am
Dear Jen
Hubby and I recently went thru a yoyo experience of having a new job in NL and then some kinda office politics intervened and stopped us from relocating there. We were simply disgusted with the utter silliness of the politicians, corruption and inequality here. We were so happy that we got a chance to escape. We were overjoyed to know that our kids will have a better education. But, when the bosses told us to stay, we were darn right upset. To tell you the truth, I wish I can run away. But however, if we were to stay, I know my kids will grow up to be as resilient as their mummy & papa. To go thru the shitty education system and yet get a good job. So, I’ll leave it up to them if they want to stay or run. At least, growing up here makes them more adaptable to all the idiosyncrasies of traffic jam, hiking toll rates, and piles of crumbled government buildings :)). Yeah… I’ll leave it to my kids, as their mummy & papa have tried to run, but failed. Oh yeah.. will sign them up for karate.
November 24th, 2007 at 3:12 am
I was born the same year. 1973. But I left Malaysia. Sad to say, I am staying at a distance, while watching (constant travelling to and fro) and living in hope of a paradigm shift in Malaysian society. Until then, I call Australia home.
December 3rd, 2007 at 5:27 pm
I believe my parents raised me to be a fighter but instead, this fighter got tired of fighter and settled for “flighting” over to Europe to join her hubby.
This “fighting” business can get really tiring and frustrating. I’ve been at it for years and I can feel it draining every bit of my soul.
A lot of people don’t understand why some of us want to stay and why the rest of us want to leave. It’s a personal decision and something I think you should never feel guilty about. You did the best for yourself and your family because ultimately YOU live your life for yourself and your family NOT for other people.
December 4th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Mei - wise words. Sometiems it’s just hard as well wehn you know ure part of a bigger community who at the end of the day, need you in order to make a diff.
January 13th, 2008 at 3:55 am
hi Jen..
u know what , it’s kinda interesting when i read ur posting about the ‘injustice’ and ‘inequality’ that have been around in Malaysia since 69.(obviously after the clash which started the so-called one-sided NEP Policy which favour the “majority”)
Now,my question is, if you (or your parent) already knew that government are practicing ‘one-sided’ policy,why did you (and again ,your parent) keep voting the same government for all these years?
The answer is simple: Headcount. If the population were 35% Malay, 30% Chinese, 30% Indian and 5% dan lain-lain, with the exact ratios in both urban and rural areas, the Chinese (or Indians or DLLs) would not have felt threatened by violence from the Malays or anybody else, real democracy might have had a chance and people like my aunt might’ve had more guts to vote for what she truly believed in. However, when you’re outnumbered, your only thought is for survival. Fairness and justice lose priority to life and limb. You vote for whoever is winning simply to stay alive.
Fast forward 50 years, this is the legacy they have left us - vote for BN or threaten national security. The question is, do you want to allow the farce to continue? Is this the legacy you want to leave your children? Is this the legacy you want your children to leave theirs?
More importantly so, 50 years today, do we believe that we have a REAL choice?
February 28th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Hi!
I’m a she-stranger, (married, no kids yet) who stumbled upon your blog and enjoyed reading for the past 1 week.
To your Fight or Flight topic:
My dad was and still is a fighter. Fighting to work extremely hard, had his plans to work abroad so that the whole family could gain foreign exposures, and dad even enrolled us kids to an international school when we came back to KL, so to have the best educational background and knowledge.
And why?
Seeing that Malaysia was and is a very laid-back and backward nation, it was their goal that we’re ahead in both education and exposure and also to be fighters.. all the way, not mattering which country you reside.
To me, fleeing one’s own country to a much ‘greener pasture’ elsewhere was never my top option… But sadly, for past few years, my mindset has tempted me to leave and maybe to never come back.
Compared to other poverty strickened/ war-proned nations, Malaysia is still a tolerable, peaceful country.. And the local foods and culture, it’s great!
I somewhat believe that whichever country you run to, there will still be injustice or unfairness in laws or challenges.. depending on each individual’s situation.
So what made me decide to someday migrate?
I just can’t see my children’s future in Malaysia. Period.
Apologise for being a blabber
Cheers!
Thanks for visiting, Elaine. I agree with your points. We moved to give our kids a fair stab at a decent education.