In which I am raving mad
So the conversation went a little something like this.
“I find you’re too lenient with your kids.”
“Yea, I tend not to sweat the small stuff.”
“No I mean like manners…”
“What, you mean the Ps and Qs?”
“No, not so much Ps and Qs. Respect.”
“Like?”
“Like when kids do something bad, you have to acknowledge it. Nobody likes it when a kid misbehaves. I tell my kids that it’s because I love them very much that I punish them.”
I can’t, for the life of me, imagine what this woman is talking about.
As far as I can remember, neither Skyler nor Raeven has ever done anything wrong that I’ve not acknowledged or made them apologise for.
Not. One. Damn. Thing.
This woman is implying that MY KIDS HAVE NO MANNERS.
That they’ve done something bad and that I’ve NOT made them apologise. Some time before or in MARCH 2007, which was the last time I saw this woman and her family.
And that my TWO-year old does not know respect.
And that because I’m Chinese, I have to make sure I pass on my Chinese traits, that not everything American is good, and that everything I learn here in America, no matter how scientific it may be, counts as American and therefore cannot be trusted 100 per cent.
Which means I have to YELL and SCOLD and BEAT the hell out of my kids to SHOW them who’s boss.
I cannot tell you how fucking furious I am right now.
I confess. I am a proponent of using a fusion of ideals to raise my children. I am not 100 per cent pro-Western or 100 per cent pro-Asian. I take what I think makes sense and I think, compared to a lot of people who have never lived away from home, I am very, VERY lucky to be able to do that, to have such information available.
For instance, I think the American sense of individualism is a little overrated – and dangerous. I believe that children need to understand that they are a part of a family and a community, and that what they do or don’t do, affects their environment. As such, I believe in teaching my children responsibility from a very young age. That they cannot draw on walls and waste food and scream in a public place because it creates work for mommy, and wastage costs money, money that their father works very hard to earn, and that when you make it unpleasant for people to be around you, then you have nobody to blame but yourself when nobody responds.
I also believe that pain and violence – a long standing Asian disciplinary strategy still widely practised in many Asian countries today – is not ideal for dealing with children. I have in the past succumbed to meting out pain as punishment, and the feeling is horrible. I spent weeks wallowing in shame for slapping my child’s behind because I thought she needed to understand the gravity of her actions. It was not worth it.
But you know what? With all that I know or think I know, I know next to nothing about raising children. And still I think I’m doing a pretty darn good job because at the end of the day, when I hear words like, “Mommy, I love you and you’re the best Mommy in the world!”, I know that I have done right by the only two people who matter.
My unwillingness to discipline my kids the Asian way IN FRONT OF PEOPLE has nothing to do with my not being Asian enough. In fact, it’s about giving them face even when they’re not frigging dinosaurs.
And the last time I checked, that’s as Asian as rice.
pelf
I remember when my sister and I were small, Mum would tell us even before we went out that if we misbehaved, she would not give us “face”. She would punish us, wherever and whenever.
So that kind of freaked us out. I mean, which kid likes to be humiliated in public?! Needless to say, we were very good in public =)
Sep 16, 2007 @ 1:01 am
tutiger
Well said on the asian and american blend of raising your kids
Sep 16, 2007 @ 3:06 am
Shannon
This person was way out of line. I hope you gave them hell.
Sep 16, 2007 @ 5:00 am
PunditMom
It’s funny — PunditGirl is adopted from China. We frequent a little mom& pop sandwich shop that is run by a lovely Korean family. But they clearly think I am too lenient with PG, and have taken to “correcting” her manners in front of me. I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with that one — especially when you can get lunch there for under $5!
Sep 16, 2007 @ 7:17 am
sweetisu
That’s crazy. Why do women feel the need to have a say in how other women’s decisions/ideas/etc regarding their own children. It’s the “my way is better than your way,” acting all superior and then makes it as if they are doing you a favor! WTH.
So according to her, a mom and dad must own a belt or bamboo stick specifically for the purpose of punishing the kids when they are out of line?? I’d hate to be her kids.
Sep 16, 2007 @ 7:42 am
jennemede
Pelf: I think giving a child a time out is fine wherever and whenever. I think this woman expects me to scold my kids loudly (the Asian way), make them say sorry for even the smallest of things. The only incident I think Sky ever caused at her home was touch her tomato plant. She was frigging two years old! This woman keeps telling me that i have to NIP it in the butt. NIP what in the butt? Curiosity??
Shannon: No. I wish I did. Sigh.
Tutiger: Thanks.
Punditmom: Tell her that your child needs reverse psychology. It always works.
Sep 16, 2007 @ 7:46 am
jennemede
Sweetisu: Exactly. I could not BELIEVE my eyes since this was on IM. Really I had to call my husband a million miles away to rant and cry. I was just so upset.
What I absolutely HATE is when they get racist and talk about not losing one’s Asian roots when raising kids. I agree with teaching children respect for elders and making sure they speak our language and addressing grownups with titles but I do NOT agree with violence and reactive discipline. The problem with these methods is not that they are Asian but it’s that they are EASY WAYS OUT of a difficult situation done in the name of CORRECTING your children when there is NO evidence to say it works, and even evidence that suggests the contrary. She equates progress with Western and tradition with Asian and I fucking HATE that.
Sep 16, 2007 @ 7:51 am
sweetisu
Oh please don’t cry. I think you are doing a great job. Probably better than me
definitely better than me, unless you also shout at your kid who keeps waking up in the middle of the night, night after night after night… 
Seriously. Take whatever other parents thoughts and advices and whatever they dish out with a huge huge grain of salt. Including parts that loves to compare Western with Asian anything. It’s ridiculous to think only Asian ways work, or only Western ways work. That is a close minded asshole who I wouldn’t want to be too much in connection with.
You know your children better than anyone. Give yourself a huge pat on the back.
Sep 16, 2007 @ 1:04 pm
mott
Actually, it sounds more like that ‘mom’ is implying that YOU are the rude one. Ok..don’t throw rocks at me, just my 1/2 sen.
Just acknowledge that with her, and I betcha, she’ll feel awful for making you think that. HA HA HA!!!!!!! gotta love reverse psychology!
Sep 16, 2007 @ 6:24 pm
jennemede
MOTT: She just thinks I’m too Westernised and hence, not good at raising my kids, thats all. Actually if she thinks that I’m the rude one, I’m ok with that. To also insinuate I dont know raise my children just because they lack some archaic Asian value that she thinks is crucial because she’s from the 19th century, that one I buay tahan.
Sep 16, 2007 @ 6:38 pm
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preschool…
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