Finding middle ground
(I just finished ‘polishing’ this entry up this afternoon, as I’d rushed to type it out this morning so there were a lot of grammatical mistakes, points I’d missed. Sorry!)
It is no secret that Asians, when it comes to work and studies, are a competitive bunch. In the US, this is politely referred to as ‘the Asian work ethic’. In Malaysia and Singapore, it is simply called kiasu-ism, which when directly translated, means ‘fear of losing’.
Losing the rat race. Losing opportunities. Losing face. What drives this fear of loss, you ask? I have no freakin’ idea. Maybe it really is in our DNA.
Before coming to the US, Lokes and I had not given the issue very much thought. However, one thing’s for sure: When it comes to our children’s academic development, we will NOT push them to throw themselves off a building if they don’t get the 17As.
When Rae was about two and a half, we sent her to a Montessori school. You can read the guilt in this paragraph, and there is much of it. To my defence, I was a working mom. Also, there were no other types of preschools in Malaysia, schools that focused more on play or social development than academics. The Montessori ones promised to teach them the skills they need to progress in life, things like buttoning their own shirts and listening to instructions. We thought they were sensible life skills to learn, even at two and a half. Well, they are.
Malaysia does not have an established playgroup culture as you do in the US. I knew a few moms in a SAHP group I liked that organised a few, but as I was working, it was hard to get really involved.
More justification: We’d so wanted Rae to make some little friends, and so we looked around for a school that was nearest to us, didn’t cost too much, and enrolled her. She did very well.
Now with Skyler, we are only sending her to preschool at three or closer even to four. This is not by choice since school years here begin in September and you have to have turned a certain age by then. Since Skyler’s birthday is in November, she has to wait a year to start.
Honestly, this has given me more relief than anything else. After all, one of my children will be having HOMEWORK end of this year. That is a very scary thought. Homework at five. Can it be real?
So back to this kiasu-ism. I must confess, that sometimes, I am torn. On one hand, I do not want to raise my children to become emotionally-stunted overachievers. On the other, I don’t want to raise bums. What is middle ground? Can someone tell me?
I don’t foresee sending my girls to KUMON or Salvan (American tuition centers filled with - you got it - mostly Asian children or well-to-do ones!) because, well, for one, I think my girls are pretty darn smart (ahem!), and Lokes and I are relatively skilled learning/teaching opportunists. Bottomline is, I don’t want my children to hate learning. I don’t want to turn them off books and knowledge.
You know, I remember having hated learning until my mom stopped whacking me with a cane to memorise my history facts or times tables. I was almost 13 when she’d announced, “You’re a big girl now. I’m not going to cane you anymore because you should know that if you’re to amount to anything and want to go to college, you will have to do well on your own.”
And with that, she trashed the cane, and even my sis, three years younger than me, got off the hook. A year later, I wrote an essay in school that became the defining moment in my life. It was a story about a man who loved his wife so much, that when she died, he died along with her. It was called Alone. My English teacher - a Mr Leong, I still remember - read it in front of the whole class, and proclaimed that I, Tai Pooi Ling, had promise, and that I was someone to watch out for.
The next year, I got 7As in my SRP.
And 6As for my SPM.
All this because my parents had stopped pushing me.
Moral of the story? Beat your kids to submission before they turn 13.
Okay, I’m kidding. You can stop looking mortified, Americans. Malaysians, you know you need to think of a better way to deal with discipline because seriously, what are you going to do when your child becomes immune to the cane?
Seriously, I was a rebel. I guess I stopped rebelling when there was nothing to rebel against.
And I think there is middle ground. We just need to find it. In the mean time, we will just have to trust our instincts.
ps. I asked my father-in-law yesterday what the point was for people to be so competitive back home when in the end, they’re not even going to study in local unis which is where they have to score all the 50As they need to enter (during the quota days). He said that the kids were not the competitive ones; it’s the parents.
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Posted in Imperfect Kids, Imperfect Mom
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:49 am
I just saw this on CNN the other day, about how even though Asian Americans constitute 5% of the population, they account for 18% of students in Ivy League universities.
Then I read a Straits Times article abt the lengths parents here go to to get their kids into the ‘good’ primary schools (you heard me right, primary schools). Something abt sending their (parents) and their kids’ resumes, recommendation letter from MPs, offers for free services to the school (sounds like bribery eh?), offers for donations, MENSA certs, so on and so forth. I hope Fische and I don’t get like that, but already we’re considering which countries Fische should try to get a job in so that Idris will get a ‘world class’ education.
I guess the end-game is different for us compared to other parents (they go for rankings, we want to make sure we don’t raise a monster like that Wee Shu Min girl), but the motivation is the same. We want the best for our kid.
In the meanwhile, I’m going to make damn sure that Idris gets access to the best playgrounds in Singapore. Heh!
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:20 am
To all interested moms:
I would like to invite you to participate in a research study of parenting views and practices. Dr. Kim White-Mills and Dr. Catherine Dobris of IUPUI (both are moms) are interested in understanding what sources parents find useful in their parenting practices, how parents use different parenting information, and what views parents across the country hold regarding parenting issues.
To access this survey, go to http://www.iupui.edu/~momviews/
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:28 pm
I thought moving here would be more relaxing for the kids compared to KL but now I don’t think it is. I have met parents here who are sending their kids for so many things that it sounds so ridiculous. This Latino mom who has a 5 yo girl is sending the kid to karate (3 times a week), abacus classes, piano classes, plans to start ballet in Sept and in summer, start Indian dance classes. Aiyoh, sounds even more kiasu than our Msian moms. It aint that much different here compared to KL. More susah for me man!
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:50 pm
haha topaz, yea some of the moms here send their kids to a lot of stuff. A mom in my presch was just telling me how she just one day told herself, that is enough. She has four kids and just told herself that the madness has to STOP, so she stopped all the activities.
I think it’s important to make sure we tow the middle line. I went for a parenting talk once and the speaker said - Nancy Blakely is her name, if I’m not mistaken - that until and unless your child BEGS you to ’send them for something, DON’T.
So far, Rae goes for gymnastics once a week and when summer comes, we’ll send her for swimming lessons, which Lokes and I agree is a crucial life skill. She is also going for a one-week science camp during summer, and thats it.
Here I guess they focus a lot on activities, whereas in Malaysia it’s tuition and for some reason, music lessons! hehe I hated my piano lessons, that’s for sure.
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:32 pm
I laughed so hard when I read the moral of the story. And, yes, your FIL is so right.
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:43 pm
The big one is taking karate 3 x a week. She says she hates it but so far she is doing well in it and it really teaches them to focus, self defence and most importantly = discipline. She just got her 1st black stripe last Fri. Must get 3 black stripes and then progress to next color belt (yellow). She wants to do ballet so we’ll start her in ballet in Sept. Don’t think they’ll be anything extra during summer coz i want her to relax and play before she starts real kindy. Newsweek said kindy is the real first grade so it’s gonna be tough (6 hours daily for a 5 yo). Phew!!
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Your FIL is so right, Jenn!
Another moral of story is stay away from Asian communities when living abroad, unless you are looking for some competition…..
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:43 pm
if it’s not academic kiasu-ness..i don’t know what.
in some local (m’sian) uni, for females to enter a engineering degree course, they’d have to get a 3.5GPA. For males, 2.8 .
gender bias-ness…competitiveness…. i don’t know..and i am going to give up la.
May 23rd, 2007 at 6:58 am
Err.. I went to kindergarten for only 6 months when I was 6!!
May 23rd, 2007 at 8:25 am
Like you .. Asian mom.. in “ang moh” land..!! donch know.. what is the “in the middle” .. meeting the halfway.. here..! coz’ PB is so laxed.. in this department..! Chloe is almost 3.5yrs old.. and she still isn’t in pre-school. And yes.. like yours.. she is born in December.. so she has to wait another year.. before she goes into school..!! and i freaked out.. at this.. because she will be behind.. the rest of her peers..?? no..??
May 24th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
It amuses me to read comments here that you think your kids would be behind. Your kids would have several more months of life experience… perhaps even more prepared to start school… so isn’t that being ahead, no? Why is there a fixation on age?
In the end, it’s not when you start, it’s how you finish, and what kind of journey you had.
Competition? It can be a source of motivation, but the child has to want it. As the saying goes… you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink.