Wow, I’m pooped. It’s been a long day.

A looong, long day.

Made longer by the fact that I’d just received my first ever speeding ticket.

EVER.

And let me preface this entry by saying IT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE EXACTLY LIKE IT DOES ON TV, Y’ALL!

 

So I was driving along with Rae after her gymnastics class and on our way to our next appointment, enjoying my frozen strawberry yogurt popsicle, and Rae her chocolate one (which was lunch, for me, by the way), when suddenly, there were these pretty, sparkly lights vying for my attention in my rearview mirror.

Oh wait. A police car.

A police car?

A POLICE CAR???

Holy crap!

Now I’ve seen people get pulled up by the side of the road, and many times, I remember thinking, “Poor sod. Look at the car. He must be carrying drugs.”

And yet, it did not immediately hit me that when a police car follows you that closely from behind with its lights going, that I was supposed to pull over. So I can’t really imagine how long I must’ve traveled before I actually got the idea that I was being asked to please veer my fat arse to the side of the road.

At once, my heart leaped into my throat and my pulse started to race. I’m being pulled over. I’m one of those cars I see everyday at the side of the road.

Omg. Does he think I have drugs???

Almost instantly, scenes and episodes and clips of every American TV program I’ve watched IN MY ENTIRE LIFE of people getting pulled over. came flashing through my brain.

All my years of COPS and Everybody Loves Raymond are finally paying off! Who’s the idiot now?!

Anyway, so I went over everything I ‘knew’ about getting pulled over, step by step.

Okay okay, first, stop the car. Stoppp! Okay, he’s stopping. Okay next, roll down your window and wait. Okay, here he comes.

Hello m’am. This conversation is being recorded. My name is Officer So-and-so. You exceeded the speed limit, m’am, of 35. You were doing a 49?

Nod. Smile. Oh, I’m sorry.

Can I see your licence and registration please?

Omg. Glove compartment. Open. There ya go. Insurance!

Erm. That’s expired m’am.

Whaaaat??? Oh fuck. Okay, okay, I know I got something that was renewed. Find it, damn it.

Rummage, rummage. Omg there it is. Nicely set up in its own plastic folder.

Here you go, Officer. Smile.

That’s much better. Licence?

Grab wallet. Here.

Okay. Is that your current address?

Crap. No.

Okay, is that your current address? Mr Officer is pointing at my registration.

Er…no…

Okay, wait here. Mr Officer walks back to his blinky vehicle. Will he kindly turn that off? Pleeeeeease?

I hang my head in shame as a truck driver drives pass. He is smiling at me.

Sod off!!

Raeven, meanwhile, is absorbed in her popsicle. Until…

Mommy, I have chocolate all over.

I know, honey. Just sit tight. Mommy has to talk to the policeman.

What…why is he talking to us?

Well…later okay. Mommy has to focus.

Mommy…yuck!!!! 

I look behind and she, indeed, has chocolate all over. She has a disgusted scowl on her face.

Where’re the wet wipes? I twist around to look for the wet wipes because I dare not step out of the vehicle.

Mr Officer is back.

M’am, you need to change your address at the D O L in ten days. Please sign here. This is not an admission of guilt.

Okay…what do I have to do? Sorry, I’m not from here (C’mon, that’s my best Dumbass Foreigner Card!)…

Well read the back of the duplicate there, mark one of the options. You drive safe now. Tips hat.

Okay…thanks. I look at the ticket. Great. A $132 fine. Just great.

I look at the time. 15 mins to our next appointment. Fuck it. I get out of the car and Mr Officer is still waiting in his patrol car patiently for me to shove off. I take my time with the wet wipes and clean Rae off.

Why is he still waiting for us, mommy?

He’s waiting for mommy to drive away.

But why?

Mommy did something wrong.

What?

I drove too fast, and so, I got punished.

Oh…punished?

Yea. Mommy has to pay some money (or rather, daddy does). A LOT of money. Sigh.

I can give you some of my money?

Aww honey. It’s okay.

I’ll do more chores, like make my bed, to make more money so you can give it to the policeman.

Aww, that’s very generous of you. But you’ve never EVER made your bed, sweetie.

Oh. Well, I’ll ask Daddy for more money to put in my piggy bank and then you can have it.

 

 

I sincerely want to experience the whole American life thing?

But this is taking it a little far.