Two days ago, I was on the phone cancelling an online game subscription I’d forgotten was still on.

This was after I’d noticed (an understatement. The number more like JUMPED out and bit me in the face) a US$143.30 charge on my credit card from the game company, so I immediately thought OMG OMG OMG SOMEONE STOLE MY CREDIT CARD. BABY WE’VE BEEN ROBBED! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Of course, it had only been my own stupidity (and the sneaky little sons of bitches at Turbine!). As with these things, they always put it on auto-recur and I’d forgotten I even had two DDO accounts. How idiotic is that, considering how the game sucks arse?

Anyway, so I’m on the phone talking to the guy – and if you don’t already know from my very many entries, I’m having a cold – I was apparently all sexy and husky. No, not on purpose, because I didn’t even KNOW I was all sexy and husky until I hung up and Lokes looks over to me and goes.

“What was THAT all about?”


“Why the…hiao (come hither) voice?”


“You were all,” and he goes and does this sexy girly voice which is perhaps the furthest, the most opposite of what a man trying to sound like a sexy girl would sound like:

“Ooo can you please oooo cancel my account oooo?”

I am intrigued.

“I was sexy?”

“Well, something like thatlah. You were all…slutty.”

“Excuse me but that is my polite voice! He was very polite to me. And I have a cold!”

“Hey, I have no problem with it. In fact, I think it’s kinda…nice,” at which point he tries to give me a come hither look right there in the car at the Jack in the Box drive-thru.

He is so very romantic.

“I was NOT trying to be sexy, okay? I HATE people who DO that!”

“It’s a good skill to have! You should be glad you have it. And I hope you won’t hesitate to use it when the occasion calls for it!”

Skill? A hiao voice is a skill?! I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT HAVE THAT SKILL!”

“Look. You got your money back, didn’t you?”

He looks at me squarely in the eye.

“Well yeah, but-…”

“Mission accomplished, right?”

“You think the guy gave me back my money because I used my hiao voice?”

“It most certainly helped.”

I chomp down jalapenos stuffed with cheese, sniffling miserably.

“Well at least that’s one thing my cold’s good for.”


Let it be known that I do not intentionally flirt with random telephone support men or women or I would’ve managed to deal very swiftly with uninvited solicitors. If you should call during flu season, do not hold me accountable for having, by pure accident, turned you on. On the other hand, if you ever need to borrow a sexy voice for a phone message, I’d be very happy to oblige.

For a small fee.