Comments on: This is what grandparents are for

By: jennemede

jennemede — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 14:46:44 +0000

Thanks for all the comments guys. If u read my last article, I really don’t believe grandparents are for raising kids. But their presence if only to play with them and to dote on them say a couple of times a week, is a positive effect. Taken in small doses over a long period of time, this teaches our kids that mommy and daddy loves grandma and grandpa and from the way we speak/treat our own parents, they do learn filial piety and respect for our elders. How else do we teach them and not lose that aspect of our culture?

One thing that helps is that we’ve had to do the raising all year by ourselves with no help. This shows our parents we can do it without them, and during their visit, they rely on us to brief them on how things are done, and lo behold, they listen. It’s when your own parents think ure not capable for the job or that u dont hv enough experience that they feel the need to change things and intervene. After all, they think they know best.

So now my in-laws are here six months, I’ve briefed them on the rules of the house and how things are done. I tell them that this is so that when they leave, things are not haywire. They understand perfectly. The cooking I leave to my MIL but the rest of it we still do, like cleaning, garbage, the kids etc.

By: husband

husband — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 06:11:39 +0000

maturity is what’s required by both the parents and grandparents to find that delicate balance. This is sorely lacking in typical chinese family. Either grandparents too proud or parents too entrenched in filial piety to work through the issues.

By: jennemede

jennemede — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:47:43 +0000

It’s called trackback eugene!

Mumsgather: Can’t agree with u more!

By: loquterz

loquterz — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:27:27 +0000

hey… how did my shit end up here… lol!!!

By: mumsgather

mumsgather — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:11:32 +0000

I agree with you that the extended family concept is good. However some take it too far and start relying on their parents to bring up their kids instead while they return to work. Almost all aspects of childcare is left to the aged parent who should be enjoying their retirement. Feeding, toilet training etc is left to the parent or in-laws while at the same time they start sending the kids to playschool or nursery at an earlier and earlier age because they are worried that they are not getting enough stimulation from just being at home with the grandparents who have become the main caregiver. Such is the other side of the coin when it is taken to the extreme. I do agree that grandparents should play a role but not take over the role of a parent. I always feel rather sad that my kids have only one grandparent ie my dad to dote on them as the others are no longer here and I feel sad when I hear others complaining about their own parents or in-laws interaction with the kids. There is nothing like a grandparents love and affection.

By: Lia

Lia — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 05:35:27 +0000

sorry to say, I agree they should be involved in some capacity or another but also it depends on the grandparents. If the kids come back feeling belittled or with new fears etc, each time they see the grandparent, well.. sorry, I’d have to be the meanie and try to restrict what time they have with them.. we tend to deal with the aftermath of the visits..

but that aside, they can have a very special relationship with the grandparents

By: Grandparents or Not? « loquterz of blog

Grandparents or Not? « loquterz of blog — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 04:38:43 +0000

[...] March 22nd, 2007 at 12:38 pm (rant & whine) Recently i read Jenn’s blog about having one’s parents or inlaws included inÂ raising the children as a good thing. To some degree i agree it is a good thing providing you have the right parents for the job. [...]

By: yc

yc — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 11:53:27 +0000

Hi there, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Being someone who grew up living with the extended family, I would say that I learned a lot about loving and respecting the elders. Back then I used to think that all kids live with their grandparents too. Its just like, its such a norm that our extended family are part of our lives that I don’t think twice about them being not there for us.

By: Kelantan Gal

Kelantan Gal — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 13:14:31 +0000

I agree with you. But the question is how to let them be involved but not overrun your life? What if they won’t follow your rules? How do we live the life we want and see fit without raising a storm with them?

My in-laws are coming to stay with us for 2 months. Anxiety attack is an understatement. I don’t even have kids yet!

I also agree that family doesn’t have to be “blood”. It’s the connections you make. I have friends that are more family to me than certain blood relations of mine.

By: atti2de

atti2de — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 06:30:39 +0000

Couldnâ€™t agree with you more. Put aside all the â€œbite-your-tongueâ€ moments, but I think having both sides maternal and paternal grandparents to be involved in our kids lives is very important. Ian, being a product of mix parentage, I donâ€™t want him to be closer to one set of grandparents than the other.

By: YvonneO

YvonneO — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 05:56:12 +0000

Oh, just love this entry!
I went through the whole ‘role change’ with my family when I had my first child. Everybody had a new title bestowed on them and some didn’t take it too well. I believe it took immediate family and relatives almost a year to accept and adjust to our new positions.

It was especially hard for the older generation because us young ‘uns had new ideas about raising a family. I was told off for trying to teach the “grand” generation what to do.

But I guess we all learned not to be too pig-headed about everything and now generational conflicts have been reduced.

I think children need to know about family that is beyond mum-dad-siblings – because like them or not – they make up part of the family history or tree.

You are a great storyteller and I’m sure that your children will grow up with vivid memories of your childhood as well as theirs. That’s a great legacy to leave behind – a sense of belonging because that shapes a sense of self.

Me – I’m collecting photos to stick on tree that I’m planning to draw. It’s arts and craftsy and something I can with my children. Also, I get to lop off heads of relatives I don’t like.

Ha ha ha ha!

By: jennemede

jennemede — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 04:41:17 +0000

Actually u can ‘make’ others your family too, Janice. You don’t have to be related by blood to be family. I hope to also have that kind of family in time during our stay here in the US.

Ky: Aiyo apa tactic? People trying to be philosophy here!

Tunku: So honoured to hv u here. Love your blogs!

By: tunku halim

tunku halim — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 04:21:29 +0000

Dropped by to say “Hi!” So true though. There’s nothing like a loving extended family.

By: Janice

Janice — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 03:55:46 +0000

Family is what God has bestowed upon us. According to the Chinese belief, who you have as dad, mum, brothers, sisters, cousins etc…are ‘fated’. In other words, you can choose who you want as your friends and colleagues, but you cannot choose who you want as your parents.
Like all other people who have grown up with their parents and later left for a faraway place to live, I have grown to learn and appreciate the meaning of ‘family’. I do not have any children of my own, and for this reason, I am terrified at the thought of being alone when I grow old, with no children at my side. If I’m lucky enough, I would like to think that my kids will treat me the way I treat my parents now.

By: Ky

Ky — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 00:47:23 +0000

Very tactical. Now I see why my dad insist me to ring my granny about deposting money into her account. hahahhahh