This is what grandparents are for
Around a year and a half ago, I blogged about why my parents should not be raising my kids.
It is an opinion I’m sure not many people agree with, given how Malaysian society is all about family support and all that. In fact, it even sounded a little cruel.
A few days ago, before the arrival of my in-laws, Lokes and I talked about the importance of a grandparent’s role in their grandchildren’s lives. Given my beliefs, this is a hot-button subject. And yet, after all that, I still believe that there is an undeniable value that grandparents bring to the overall upbringing of one’s child.
Read on.
Having lived here in the US for over a year, I’ve witnessed a sad fact in American society (which may be common knowledge), and that is that people here generally do not care a great deal about their elders (and vice versa).
While I do know quite a few moms who are in constant touch with their own parents, the latter’s presence in the lives of the former’s children is one of cordial civility, with bouts of affection demonstrated during Christmas and Thanksgiving via gifts, postcards and emails from a tolerable, respectful distance. Visits are kept at a minimum and as short as possible, and phone calls are few and far between. Independence asserted. Privacy understood. Respect maintained. An arrangement I myself appreciate on many levels.
Want to know how it’s done in Malaysian Chinese society?
The moment one’s baby is born, one’s parents and in-laws descend en masse upon one’s household like hens fluffing their feathers importantly, clucking orders on all things maternal, feather-dusters at the ready. Add to the mix a superstitious confinement lady for one month and a girl of 17 (or so your agent says) from Indonesia, herself a mother of two, and you have a cacophony of females in the house, one contradicting another on the best way of placing a sleeping infant without flattening the back of its head and thus cursing it to a life of flatheadedness, without accidentally suffocating it.
One month, dear readers.
At least.
As horrific as this may sound, such stifling, all-encompassing support is a comfy arrangement for the new mother. For one, she has the choice of going back to work without worrying about daycare. For families who depend on dual incomes, this is more than just a convenience. It is necessity.
While both camps of thinking have their own nice little plusses, there is one intrinsic value of having the grandparents around that I fully agree with, and that is by involving our own parents in the raising of our children, we are teaching our children to involve us when we face our twilight years.
Don’t get me wrong. Malaysia is not immune from cruel abandonment and neglect of senior citizens by their own children. Such plights are published almost on a daily basis in our Chinese newspapers (such is the level of what is considered news back home. This and people being eaten by snakes). But by and large, I believe, estrangement from one’s parents is a sin more serious in Malaysian society than in America.
And I’m not saying I want to impose upon Rae’s or Sky’s lives in the future. Nor am I suddenly recanting my earlier views about grandparents being not suitable for raising kids. But to be able to have my in-laws or parents over for a few months a year so that the kids might appreciate them, and hence appreciate our love for them is itself I think a crucial lesson in life.
For it is unfathomable that I may never see my children until and unless invited, as though I am but a friend. It is incomprehensible that I will deny my in-laws or my parents a chance to play an active role in my kids’ lives.
And while I will strive very hard not to be a burden and to keep out of their hair as best I can, it is inconceivable that I might be raising children who will not give a whit about their own parents once independence is gained and when we’re no longer needed.
Is such independence a natural next step in evolution? Is it enlightenment? Is this what it means to be adult?
If so, it is quite sad. What does that make us if we do not care for our old? What kind of principles will we impart on our children when we cast away those we do not need?
And so, I shall face the next six months, and all other six-month visits in the future, with this purpose in mind. That by showing my children how we welcome our elders into our lives, that hopefully in the future, they will welcome us into theirs.
Posted in Imperfect Family, Imperfect Mom
March 19th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Very tactical. Now I see why my dad insist me to ring my granny about deposting money into her account. hahahhahh
March 19th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Family is what God has bestowed upon us. According to the Chinese belief, who you have as dad, mum, brothers, sisters, cousins etc…are ‘fated’. In other words, you can choose who you want as your friends and colleagues, but you cannot choose who you want as your parents.
Like all other people who have grown up with their parents and later left for a faraway place to live, I have grown to learn and appreciate the meaning of ‘family’. I do not have any children of my own, and for this reason, I am terrified at the thought of being alone when I grow old, with no children at my side. If I’m lucky enough, I would like to think that my kids will treat me the way I treat my parents now.
March 19th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Dropped by to say “Hi!” So true though. There’s nothing like a loving extended family.
March 19th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Actually u can ‘make’ others your family too, Janice. You don’t have to be related by blood to be family. I hope to also have that kind of family in time during our stay here in the US.
Ky: Aiyo apa tactic? People trying to be philosophy here!
Tunku: So honoured to hv u here. Love your blogs!
March 19th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Oh, just love this entry!
I went through the whole ‘role change’ with my family when I had my first child. Everybody had a new title bestowed on them and some didn’t take it too well. I believe it took immediate family and relatives almost a year to accept and adjust to our new positions.
It was especially hard for the older generation because us young ‘uns had new ideas about raising a family. I was told off for trying to teach the “grand” generation what to do.
But I guess we all learned not to be too pig-headed about everything and now generational conflicts have been reduced.
I think children need to know about family that is beyond mum-dad-siblings - because like them or not - they make up part of the family history or tree.
You are a great storyteller and I’m sure that your children will grow up with vivid memories of your childhood as well as theirs. That’s a great legacy to leave behind - a sense of belonging because that shapes a sense of self.
Me - I’m collecting photos to stick on tree that I’m planning to draw. It’s arts and craftsy and something I can with my children. Also, I get to lop off heads of relatives I don’t like.
Ha ha ha ha!
March 19th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Couldn’t agree with you more. Put aside all the “bite-your-tongue†moments, but I think having both sides maternal and paternal grandparents to be involved in our kids lives is very important. Ian, being a product of mix parentage, I don’t want him to be closer to one set of grandparents than the other.
March 20th, 2007 at 5:14 am
I agree with you. But the question is how to let them be involved but not overrun your life? What if they won’t follow your rules? How do we live the life we want and see fit without raising a storm with them?
My in-laws are coming to stay with us for 2 months. Anxiety attack is an understatement. I don’t even have kids yet!
I also agree that family doesn’t have to be “blood”. It’s the connections you make. I have friends that are more family to me than certain blood relations of mine.
March 21st, 2007 at 3:53 am
Hi there, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Being someone who grew up living with the extended family, I would say that I learned a lot about loving and respecting the elders. Back then I used to think that all kids live with their grandparents too. Its just like, its such a norm that our extended family are part of our lives that I don’t think twice about them being not there for us.
March 21st, 2007 at 8:38 pm
[...] March 22nd, 2007 at 12:38 pm (rant & whine) Recently i read Jenn’s blog about having one’s parents or inlaws included in raising the children as a good thing. To some degree i agree it is a good thing providing you have the right parents for the job. [...]
March 21st, 2007 at 9:35 pm
sorry to say, I agree they should be involved in some capacity or another but also it depends on the grandparents. If the kids come back feeling belittled or with new fears etc, each time they see the grandparent, well.. sorry, I’d have to be the meanie and try to restrict what time they have with them.. we tend to deal with the aftermath of the visits..
but that aside, they can have a very special relationship with the grandparents
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:11 pm
I agree with you that the extended family concept is good. However some take it too far and start relying on their parents to bring up their kids instead while they return to work. Almost all aspects of childcare is left to the aged parent who should be enjoying their retirement. Feeding, toilet training etc is left to the parent or in-laws while at the same time they start sending the kids to playschool or nursery at an earlier and earlier age because they are worried that they are not getting enough stimulation from just being at home with the grandparents who have become the main caregiver. Such is the other side of the coin when it is taken to the extreme. I do agree that grandparents should play a role but not take over the role of a parent. I always feel rather sad that my kids have only one grandparent ie my dad to dote on them as the others are no longer here and I feel sad when I hear others complaining about their own parents or in-laws interaction with the kids. There is nothing like a grandparents love and affection.
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:27 pm
hey… how did my shit end up here… lol!!!
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:47 pm
It’s called trackback eugene!
Mumsgather: Can’t agree with u more!
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:11 pm
maturity is what’s required by both the parents and grandparents to find that delicate balance. This is sorely lacking in typical chinese family. Either grandparents too proud or parents too entrenched in filial piety to work through the issues.
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:46 am
Thanks for all the comments guys. If u read my last article, I really don’t believe grandparents are for raising kids. But their presence if only to play with them and to dote on them say a couple of times a week, is a positive effect. Taken in small doses over a long period of time, this teaches our kids that mommy and daddy loves grandma and grandpa and from the way we speak/treat our own parents, they do learn filial piety and respect for our elders. How else do we teach them and not lose that aspect of our culture?
One thing that helps is that we’ve had to do the raising all year by ourselves with no help. This shows our parents we can do it without them, and during their visit, they rely on us to brief them on how things are done, and lo behold, they listen. It’s when your own parents think ure not capable for the job or that u dont hv enough experience that they feel the need to change things and intervene. After all, they think they know best.
So now my in-laws are here six months, I’ve briefed them on the rules of the house and how things are done. I tell them that this is so that when they leave, things are not haywire. They understand perfectly. The cooking I leave to my MIL but the rest of it we still do, like cleaning, garbage, the kids etc.