A good time to wed
Last week, I chanced upon a very interesting discussion on BBC Radio, about why 60 per cent of cohabiting couples in the UK still opt to get married when living together is now acceptable in society.
A BBC reporter spoke to callers about their thoughts on the subject, and why they thought people still believed that marriage was an important institution when cohabitation is now a norm.
There was this one guy who said something really interesting, which was that while marriage is an important institution, people should only get married when they’re 30 or older after successfully cohabiting before for a number of years. If - and only if - they can still tolerate each other, they should tie the knot.
“In fact, they should only issue marriage certificates to couples who are 30 and above,” I believe his statement was.
Now isn’t that just the simplest, most brilliant thing you’ve ever heard?
When you think about it, governments should truly consider this measure to help uphold, ironically, the sanctity of this increasingly meaningless formality. In the US and the UK, where couples are able to have children without getting married without raising an eyelid, it makes little sense to want to ‘carve it in stone’. There are, of course, if I remember my family law correctly, certain legal benefits particularly for married women, and their children, should one’s marriage go south. But I’m sure that can be resolved quickly with an act here and a couple of court-set precedents there.
In Malaysia, a considerably conservative country, getting married is a sign of maturity, a definite statement to the world that you have finally come to your senses, and are ready to take on the responsibility of creating a family. Although the divorce rate is rising, as in every country in the world (except perhaps for Japan since the women there are apparently refusing to ‘come to their senses’), marriage is still mandatory if you want to have children. As yet, the shunning and ostracising of illegitimate children - and their parents - have not gone out of fashion. And now that Siti Nurhaliza is married, the institution has perhaps taken on cast-iron strength.
Are people over 30 more likely to make their marriage work compared to couples who got married when they were in their their 20s? Speaking strictly of people living in the modern world (and not some tribe in remote Uganda), I believe so. Of course, there are exceptions. There are always exceptions, but if one of my daughters tells me she wants to get married at 17, I’d tell her to go live with the guy for 13 years and then decide.
When you’re in your early 20s, it’s no time to settle down. You’re supposed to be having fun, experimenting, exploring and most importantly, making most of the mistakes that you don’t want to be making when you’re in your 30s or worse, 40s.
What do you think? Should people still get married in this day and age? Is there ever a better time to get married?
Posted in Imperfect Wife
February 27th, 2007 at 2:24 am
Where have you been?!!! Finally, a blog worth following. You write well, on issues I care to read about, and you sound oh, so interesting. Boy, am I going to read you more. No, this is no spam. I came across your blog from “pelf-ism” (what a clever name), a blog equally interesting and which I would also be following more of.
February 27th, 2007 at 6:20 am
I totally agree with you although I am one of those women who married early, I was 24. My husband and I have been together since I was 19 and after 5 years we decided that we never wanted to be without the other. The most important factors in our decision marry were maturity and friendship. You really need to understand what marriage means, not just the legal but the spiritual and emotional. Everyday of a marriage is about growing and changing together, the ebb and flow of life happening with another person. So many young couples give up when things lose their excitement, what they fail to realize is that marriage is a journey not a destination. The ultimate adventure!
Also, your spouse should be your best friend, the one you tell ALL your secrets. He or she must be your “soft place to fall”. I know so many women who hide things from their spouse so really they don’t know each other at all. They tell their secrets to a best friend or retreat all together into raising their children or having a career that one day they wake up next to their spouse and the are strangers.
Marriage is work, but the kind that makes you proud to have put forth the effort.
February 27th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I got married in my 20s as well, 28 to be exact. I’d wanted to be a mom, which was a large part of why we got married. I find myself still having some regrets, like not having traveled more. Now we not only hv to think of cost, but also appropriate places to go where the kids can go. I can’t take them to Cambodia or Laos until theyre perhaps 12 or older because of the living conditions there, never mind the dangers of political instability.
I think the biggest advantage is that you can do the things that you won’t be able to do when you’re married or a parent. It’s not only to be more accomplished like finishing college or climbing the proverbial corp ladder but also like having more than one sexual experience, living by yourself, the so called journey of self-discovery.
Like I said, there are people I know who are just made for marriage. I mean, many of the arranged marriages in my country work very well, and the women are actually happy. In this day and age, that’s just amazing.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:01 am
I have been reading your blog for about 6 months now and I really enjoy it.
I am 26, married, and the bread-winner in my relationship. My husband is 28, attends university, and we don’t have any children. Shortly after my 27th birthday we will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary. I do not regret getting married at 21.
Three close couples married the same year as we did (close in age as well), one of those couples in now divorced.
The couples I see staying together are good friends and spend their leisure time together as a couple or with their children. You can share experiences and still have fun in your 20s as a married person.
I wouldn’t trade the last 6 years for anything. I think your 30s might be better classified as “a good time to have kids”.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:34 am
i think if you’ve been brought up in a culture with a strong extended community, marriage is a way to be included into more folds, so then age matters less.
in most modern lives, though, which are made up of the introspection of nuclear families, perhaps it’s a bit claustrophobic to marry early. you’re still figuring out what makes you tick as an individual, which is important because individuality is prized in those societies, and if that suddenly changes (not that epiphanies are limited to younger people, but there’s ‘less to lose’) then it’s probably harder to stay with someone who married a different you.
all of this of course, precludes the ‘true love forever’ variable
your kids are adorable - a bit of you and a bit of robot