So I just came back from the doc’s. Results are not so good. Apparently the last year has been a helluva party for my virus (it comes with a cage and everything!), that is has now multiplied to four times above the reference range.

I am officially a breeding ground for HBV.

So… even saying ‘so’ leaves me breathless. I don’t really know what to think. I’m not sad, and yet I feel like crying because Lokes is so far away now so I don’t have the comfort of his big, warm arms. I’m not scared, and yet when I look at Raeven, sitting in a corner eating her pack of Yogos, telling me that “you’re going to be okay, Mommy”, just makes me want to go into my body, guns blazing, and fragging every one of those motherfuckers.

And to think that Rae and Sky may carry the virus just kills me. Dr Chuang tells me calmly (upon seeing the horror on my face when he said, shaking his head grimly ”oi, your birarow is TERRIBLE!”) that I should get them checked as well. How I’m going to prepare my four- and two-year old children for a blood test is beyond me.

The one bit of good news (at this point, I’ll take what I can) was that nothing came up for my liver, although Dr Chuang made sure to sullen even that small sliver of hope, that this was not a positive indication that nothing was wrong, and that the doctor he’s referred me to will perhaps recommend a liver biopsy to really check it out.

There it was. The ‘b’ word.

The morning passed in a blur after. I drove in circles for a while, not knowing how to get out of the place since I wasn’t really thinking about actually going anywhere. When my head finally emerged from the what’s-going-to-happen-to-me-now? fog, I parked the minivan at the side of some road and just stared at someone’s house for a good 15 minutes. Must’ve freaked whoever it was that was peeking out one of the windows a little. And then I decided to hell with it, I’d drive all the way to town to get this game I’d wanted for the longest time, buy some groceries and head home.

And now I’m here.

Honestly, at this point, I’m just glad to know where I am, and to know there are options I can use to take care of myself. I will probably need to be on drugs all my life from now on (unless somewhere down the line, someone invents some sort of HBV ray gun). Those of you who know me, know this is already hell enough for me (I’m not crazy about the pills). But I’m a big girl, in more ways than one. I can do this.

Because I need to survive this.

I need to survive this.

And if this is not a good reason to make sure I make more of my life, I don’t know what is.

Digg!