…you have nightmares of losing your children.

Yesterday night, I had my worst nightmare by far, the mother of all nightmares about being a bad mother.

I dreamt that I had given Skyler away for some reason, and the adopted parents came and visited me with her on her second birthday. My baby, looking much as she does today in real life, couldn’t recognise me. The parents were a Malay couple, and as they talked to prompt her to speak, she giggled, saying “payah!” (“no need” in shortened Malay). My heart tore a hole and I woke up sobbing like a mad woman for the daughter I could not keep.

I have newfound respect for the women who give away their children, who have the strength to let them go so they would have better lives. Instead of relief, the emotional pain one suffers upon seeing how your own child has managed to do so well without you, is perhaps the worst one can ever experience as a mother. It is a lonely, abandoned feeling, that a life you made, has moved on without you. In the end, you are the one who’s been disowned.

Gonna go hug my kids now.

 

Technorati tags:

 

Copyright © 2006 The I’mperfect Mom. This blog is for non-commercial use only. If you’re reading the entirety of this entry on another website (excluding your RSS aggregator), please email me to report copyright infringement so legal action may be taken. Thank you.