I had a confusing childhood, to say the least. Granted that most normal human beings lumber and shove their way through adolescence and puberty as well, all elbows and bad attitudes, but I think I had more than my share of trip-ups than most petulant young ladies, mainly because I started behaving badly at a very young age. Maybe as young as my firstborn, Raeven.
You see, I’m going through sort of a rough patch with her, my four-year old. The sweet, cheeky, and mostly harmlessly precocious little girl of three had somehow disappeared over the last few months, to be replaced by a rather horrid four-year old, spawned from brimstone and hellfire, with dagger eyes and a sharper mouth, but abso-fuckin-lutely no ears.
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, my child has become my worst enemy: She has, with very little reason not to, become me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the more difficult child to my parents. Aside from some very bad decisions made by dad, I place the rest of my poor upbringing squarely upon the laws of nature.
Firstborns are inevitably the ‘guinea pigs’ of startup families. We get the best and the worst of our parents’ parenting. We’re the ones who’re spoiled. We’re the ones who get away with breaking the rules (simply because there were no rules before we came along). We’re the ones who burn the roofs of our mouths from hot mush, or get hospitalised for strep throat, or perhaps even die if we lived in olden times, because our parents didn’t, couldn’t know what they were doing.
We test all the limits and push all the buttons. And eventually, we become the yardstick against which all our siblings will be measured, as in to remind our parents what NOT to do, although this will be a fact our parents will deny vehemently (whoever here who’s not suffered unfair sibling comparisons should stop reading my blog).
In short, we’re the testruns.
The crash test dummies.
The Version Ones.
Part of the reason why I think Raeven and I are clashing so much these days is, I think (so this is nothing more than just careless theorising), because she’s just our firstborn. Four years on this earth and she’s taken quite a few hits, as in all the mistakes my husband and I had made in the past, and are still making today, as young parents. It is no wonder she’s fed up. It’s no wonder she just can’t be bothered.
I’m sorry, my dear. We, your dear parents, cannot help it. We just don’t know everything.
We can’t be expected to.
In trying to give her everything we thought she’d ever need, we made her lazy. In trying to give her confidence, we inevitably taught her disrespect. In trying to give her independence, we irrevocably made her wilful.
The good with the bad. That, as they say, is the way it goes. It will always be the way it goes.
As such, everything that’s sweet and adorable about my firstborn has not vanished entirely. Like the arrival of a warmer, dryer day in Seattle, Raeven’s bright and wonderfully loving side – the side that lets me know I’m on the right track, no matter how rough and windy it is – will exert itself, amazingly so, when I least expect it.
And when I need it most.
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hun I can so relate! Terrible 2s my foot.. LOL oh how I miss comparing kiddie behaviour with u!
hehe….u made it sound so cute….like beta testing like that…im sure she’ll turn out fine..
Such a well written post, Jenn. I feel so much the same about ALysha who turns four this month.
I feel for you. Whats most important is that we just perservere and keep up the thing we are doing coz we know its the right thing. Its a learning process. This too willl pass.
Oh, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I don’t know when the enfant terrible years begin, but they are definitely not in the teenage years. My two kids (5.5 and 2.5) are so petulant at times!
Considering how little time I get to spend with them on working day, I’m left with the choices of sending them to their rooms or sucking it up, and letting the rot continue.
This is very bad. I am an Asian mother. Somebody is going to blame me for my kids’ behaviour!
Wow..how true! I’m starting to get worried on how to handle my little 17 month old. She has a bad temper, just like her mommy
I love how you wrote this para:-
* In trying to give her everything we thought she’d ever need, we made her lazy. In trying to give her confidence, we inevitably taught her disrespect. In trying to give her independence, we irrevocably made her wilful.*
u think 1st borns get away with it? are spoilt? I dont really agreeleh. From what I have noticed from my friends/relatives upbringing, I think 1st borns are brought up the most strictest. Coz they are the 1st born, the parents are more cautious. By the time time they get to No 2 and etc, the siblings have the run of the house. That is how I treat my kids too. With my 1st, I was and still am strict with her but with my 2nd one, aiyah, she can do whateverlah and I am not so “fussy” with her.
Also when they start mixing at school esp with gwailo kids (they don’t call them gwai for nothing, hehe) they start to learn other stuff but unfort we can’t stop it coz it is part of growing up and assimilating to the culture.
I think we go to extremes, whether strictest or most lenient, with our firstborns. Was like that with me (I’m a firstborn). That’s why I said we get the best AND worst. With second ones, we know just how much to give – and take away.
What do you do when your first born was always sweet, considerate and shared with her mom. And then she is in high school. Doesn’t do bad stuff, but has not shared with mom. Has a friend who has taught her to lie and now mom is mad and sad.