I am not my blog

This evening, I made some new blogging friends.

Anita, an amazing lady and grandma (yea!) that can probably teach me a thing or two about blogging technology, is the organiser of the Seattle Webloggers Meetup for a few years now (you can find dates and times at Meetup.com). Since Lokes is back and all, I’ve found time to attend my first meetupÂ of the Eastside bloggers.

Thanks Anita.

On a totally separate note, my mind is now plagued by questions. I’ve been asking them for a while now and wonder if I should just get them out of the way. In the open, where people can actually listen to them and give me answers.

I’ve never been a complicated person. Maybe my husband will beg to differ but in everything, I have always tried to keep it as simple as possible. I try not to lie. So much soÂ I’m not very good at it. I try to keep things very straightforward and honest. So much so poise and sophistication are attributes I have not developed particularly when I get to saying what’s on my mind (and they always seem to have sounded better in there). I know I can be more well-read, hence the shift from murder-mysteries to what my husband calls ‘boring artsy fartsy’ literature. And I know that I tend to come across as being quite intimidating sometimes because of my size and language (read: loud and unpolished).

But lately, I find myself becoming more and more worried about what people think of me, particularly in this place where the rules of engagement may not always agree with honesty and openness.

Why does it matter?

Am I that desperate for friends?

Am I that lonely?

Yes I am. Those who know me know that I am a happy-go-lucky, cheerful person who’s always good for a laugh. Or was. Most of my girl friends like to have me around because I say the most outrageous things. And when they need to do some serious talking, I’m there.Â I listen and you can always count on me to tell it like it is. I may seem a little awkward at firstÂ but that’s just me trying to fit all the information in my brain.

In the end, you’ll discover that I’m really nothing but a harmless hoot.

I’ve felt this…distance with certain people I’ve met here, whom I am now of the opinion that they don’t really like me for whatever reason(s). I’ve not even been here long enough to dislike anyone. Just how disagreeable am I to have ticked these people off?

Wait a minute. Are you judging me from my blog?

Then all I can say is, I am not my blog. Not even half of it. In here, I am funnier than I can be out there, or less. I can be eloquent even, or nasty and judgmentally stupid. Out there, I am just anotherÂ woman who’s insecure about her looks, her weight, her speech. Who’s trying her damn best to fitÂ in this strange land that’s BOILING with people from other countries, and for some reason, just seems to get lonelier by the day.

I sure as hell hope this isn’t a “oh, another foreigner taking away American jobs” thing.

Because I AM NOT WORKING.

My husband is. Go despise him.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 1st, 2006 at 9:27 pm and is filed under Imperfect Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

gwailos are a funny bunch. somehow they are not as “friendly” and intimate as us. they have a exterior which can be quite superficial and takes time to break that barrier down (if it is possible?). I think asians are more honest and will instantly bond with you if she likes you, hence yr close friendship with the taiwanese lady. This is through my observation and experience through out the yrs.

Aug 02, 2006 @ 5:47 am

jennemede

Really? Sigh. Well it’s also because most of the people I meet are parents and not singles anymore. It was so much easier to commit last time when you’re on your own I guess…

Aug 02, 2006 @ 3:43 pm

Lia

I know what u mean lah.. Not sure abt the states but so many of the expat community like that also.. They r friendly enough.. but not so buddy buddy.. After a while, u think eh, whylah u try so hard.. And this is me, the mat salleh celup lol

u hang in there girl. BIG HUGS

Aug 02, 2006 @ 6:58 pm

E.T

Hi Cheh, apparently this is so.

I have met some of these ‘over-friendly but not really’ people. The ones here come across as carefully friendly or calculatedly friendly. There are tonnes of them here.

But I don’t think it has anything to do with likes or dislikes – I think this is just how they behave. It’s almost like they’re curious but paranoid.

I think it’s the same as when they come and visit M’sia and we’re over-smiling just ‘cos we want to make a good impression – not because we want to get to know the person (yet).

You know what I mean?

At every party – if you find ONE person you can have a good chat with – that’s a good day out.

Anyway – there are lots of the normal ones out there, too. So – don’t fret over the not so normal ones.

Aug 02, 2006 @ 7:06 pm

thanks guys. Just really freaks me out you know if I’ve somehow stepped on some toes and not know it. Ah well. I guess it also takes time.

U guys are great. I miss home *sniff*

Aug 02, 2006 @ 7:23 pm

adriene

hi jenn,

hang in there. it will get better. takes some time to adjust to a brand new place, build support network, develop closer relationships with new friends.

and if there are a few people who refuse that friendship? pah, who needs those idjits? they are missing out on getting to know a great person.