This evening, I made some new blogging friends.

Anita, an amazing lady and grandma (yea!) that can probably teach me a thing or two about blogging technology, is the organiser of the Seattle Webloggers Meetup for a few years now (you can find dates and times at Meetup.com). Since Lokes is back and all, I’ve found time to attend my first meetup of the Eastside bloggers.

Thanks Anita.

On a totally separate note, my mind is now plagued by questions. I’ve been asking them for a while now and wonder if I should just get them out of the way. In the open, where people can actually listen to them and give me answers.

I’ve never been a complicated person. Maybe my husband will beg to differ but in everything, I have always tried to keep it as simple as possible. I try not to lie. So much so I’m not very good at it. I try to keep things very straightforward and honest. So much so poise and sophistication are attributes I have not developed particularly when I get to saying what’s on my mind (and they always seem to have sounded better in there). I know I can be more well-read, hence the shift from murder-mysteries to what my husband calls ‘boring artsy fartsy’ literature. And I know that I tend to come across as being quite intimidating sometimes because of my size and language (read: loud and unpolished).

But lately, I find myself becoming more and more worried about what people think of me, particularly in this place where the rules of engagement may not always agree with honesty and openness.

Why does it matter?

Am I that desperate for friends?

Am I that lonely?

Yes I am. Those who know me know that I am a happy-go-lucky, cheerful person who’s always good for a laugh. Or was. Most of my girl friends like to have me around because I say the most outrageous things. And when they need to do some serious talking, I’m there. I listen and you can always count on me to tell it like it is. I may seem a little awkward at first but that’s just me trying to fit all the information in my brain.

In the end, you’ll discover that I’m really nothing but a harmless hoot.

I’ve felt this…distance with certain people I’ve met here, whom I am now of the opinion that they don’t really like me for whatever reason(s). I’ve not even been here long enough to dislike anyone. Just how disagreeable am I to have ticked these people off?

Wait a minute. Are you judging me from my blog?

Then all I can say is, I am not my blog. Not even half of it. In here, I am funnier than I can be out there, or less. I can be eloquent even, or nasty and judgmentally stupid. Out there, I am just another woman who’s insecure about her looks, her weight, her speech. Who’s trying her damn best to fit in this strange land that’s BOILING with people from other countries, and for some reason, just seems to get lonelier by the day.

I sure as hell hope this isn’t a “oh, another foreigner taking away American jobs” thing.

Because I AM NOT WORKING.

My husband is. Go despise him.