Sorry for not blogging, but the last few days have been difficult.

REALLY difficult.

Crying, broke-down difficult.

Screaming, gave-up difficult.

Wondering what was in my mind when I decided to have kids, difficult.

And yet, here I am, still in one piece. Still holding on. Still trudging through. And still loving my children, and my choice to have children.

I guess that’s why kids need mommies. No matter what, we never really give up.

Good news: Raeven’s fever has managed to stay down through most of the night. Spiked this morning at about six to 103 again but managed to come down on its own without the Tylenol. Instead, I gave her one of those cooling gel stickers I’d brought from Malaysia, stuck it on her forehead.

Bad news: We had to punish her several times yesterday, ending with locking her in her room (well, just closing the door really, since the door could not be locked at all – see? Guilt!) because she misbehaved gravely.

What happened? I thought that since she was feeling much better, I’d take her to the library just nearby.

Big mistake. She went, she saw the computers, and she would not leave. The library had an 18-minute rule on those and I’d briefed her on it, but being the brat that she is, she didn’t want to leave. Instead, I had to carry a screaming baby out of the library through a mortifying two-minute walk across a sea of judgmental stares and shaking heads.

And so, I lost it.

I locked her and me in the car, and in a fit of anger, let loose everything.  

Needless to say, it was ugly. I cried. She cried louder. I yelled. She yelled louder.

“I dowan mommy! I want Mah Mah Yeh Yeh!” she screamed.  

“You want to go back to Malaysia with them?” I screamed back.

“Yes!! I dowan US. I dont like!” she answered, bawling.

And people still wonder why I think it’s not a good idea to have someone else – even your own parents – care for your kids. THIS is one of the reasons why. I did it to my own parents with my Ku Ma. And now, my own child is doing it to me.

 

Parenting advice dictates that we should use a level voice always when speaking to our kids, indicating no emotion when dealing with them. No anger. No disappointment. No nothing.

How are we supposed to do that?

If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that three-year olds forget.

Last night, laying in bed with me as I checked her temperature, Raeven looked at me and gave me that sweet smile she reserves only for me.

“Love you mommy,” she said, her eyes looking right at mine.

I knew it was futile, but I started talking to her about the fact that her grandparents would be gone in a few weeks. She nodded as if she really did understand. I told her that she would be sleeping with her sister in the next room. And that we won’t see Mah Mah and Yeh Yeh for a while.

She took it all in, nodding. In the end, she said,

“Malaysia is very far away. Have to take a big airplane,” she said.

She probably won’t remember this conversation when the time comes.

And that’s why we, as parents, need to remember, to stay calm.

Now all I have to do is remember.

 

ps. To you, who said to me, “Hey serve you right man. Still think it’s a good idea to give up your job and be a houseiwfe?” – at least I’m dealing with my difficult kids myself. Good luck dealing with yours – when you decide to be responsible for them (when your parents are gone, perhaps?)